S J D

2010-06-09T23:37:00.003-05:00

fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I hate everything. This is such a livejournal post.

All the things I want to do right now are impossible: swim but the pools are all closed, pool hopping in this town is impossible (I've tried), and there are no lakes to jump into. I don't really do running, as much as I want to. The only reason I do is because know I'll become skinny if I stick to it long enough. So exercising my frustration away is out.

Screaming is out because even at my angriest and most defeated I respect my neighbors more than that.

I'll never be a cutter because scars are ugly. Therefore I also won't whip myself with my belt or bang my head against a door or wall.

Cussing out my parents, who caused some of this anger, would absolutely get me nowhere. Possibly even retrograde me more.

Work. Also something that is causing my trouble. The lack of it is stunning, and it's becoming painfully apparent every time I think about ... anything.

If you can think of legit things that aren't "prostitution" or some variant thereof for me to become fucking EMPLOYED by someone who respects me more than the Abercrombie & Fitch corporation, please let me know.

like. asap. yesterday asap.

Or anger management ideas. That would be sweet too. Because right now I'm seething and kinda crying in my bed. Not so great.

F.

2010-06-05T13:47:00.001-05:00

May 12-June 5. And it was so worth the wait.

My New URL and Blog!

2010-05-30T15:12:00.002-05:00

Hey, everybody! So here's the deal: if you have this blog on an RSS feed, keep it there because I WILL continue to update it, but it will happen far less frequently than ever before, because...

I HAVE A NEW BLOG!

At my new, eponymous site you'll see my headshots, learn more about me as a singer and student, my opinions on various current events in the musical world and beyond, and still be able to find out what I think about some daily life occurrences, too! Additionally, there are links to my Facebook page and Twitter there, so please feel free to peep those as well!

I'm really excited to share this with you and look forward to your comments on it, however they arrive -- on the site, through email, IM, Tweet, etc. Thanks so much for your support, and I'll see you at my new blog!

http://samueljamesdewese.wordpress.com/

Well damn

2010-05-29T16:22:00.003-05:00

I was all into starting up my new blog when I realized I should really be investigating the website I need as a performer, where I can easily maintain a blog. Does anyone have any information on setting up a personal website? As in: advice on domains, layout/design, etc? I'm really kinda lost besides the few websites I'm familiar with, including Andrei's and those of some singers here at the University of Illinois.

So, any information? I'm going to go ahead and start a new blog anyway, and then transfer my entries should I have a personal website anytime soon (cross your fingers!) My new URLs(s) will be up shortly, as soon as there's something for you to see at the new site(s).

Thanks in advance!

Oh, also...

2010-05-28T17:28:00.003-05:00

Because who else am I going to tell this to but the few people who read this blog? I haven't gotten off (self inflicted or otherwise) since before finals were over. Since before May 11. My life sucks. But after a while I figured "I should just hold off until whenever because at this point it'll be damn good then" and here we are ... fuck haha. Only NOT! Baaaah my wit is astounding. Haha.

Maybe I'll keep this blog just so I can keep typing things like that...woof I'm a joke lol

So I'm Getting a New Blog

2010-05-28T17:26:00.003-05:00

For a few reasons, but mostly because I have a new email address (which will be associated with my new blog, but which I'll also include here for the few of you who may want to contact me directly and don't want to comment and wait for me to notice it on here) and thus it's more complicated to get onto this blog.

So, it's been real. My first entry on my new blog will be up kinda soon-ish, but until then I won't worry about telling you a URL or anything, because (surprise!) I haven't decided on one yet. A few very vanilla options are floating around my mind, and it will probably be one of those, mostly because this new blog will be "real" ish haha. So that's what's up with me, if you were wondering.

Possibly

2010-05-11T20:35:00.003-05:00

Possibly the only reason I haven't deleted my old Gmail address (I made the switch over the weekend I think, or late last week) is this blog. So I may just start another one and force you all to find me there. But that might be too much work so ... we'll just have to see.

2010-05-06T18:46:00.005-05:00

So ... Remember that time two years ago when I cried about money in my closet for like, an hour, after finding out about how much my teeth and all that other craziness would cost my family?

Well, I have a feeling another one of those times is coming pretty soon. Between potential Germany (which should probably be lower on the list but I'm thinking about it at the moment so here we are), my apartment, next year's audition season (which will be doubly expensive because of applying to graduate schools and FLYING PLACES TO AUDITION), money that I'm owed by various individuals, money that I'm owed by my employer, and the gifts I'm buying a few people in the near future, all I can say is "fuck money."

I hate that there are no scholarships for which I've been deemed worthy. I hate that because my family lives comfortably there is "no reason" in the "grand scheme" to help me pay for school. I absolutely DETEST the fact that a competition exists at this school for undergraduate females who are native to Illinois and are music performance majors that provides full, retroactive tuition payment but there isn't one for undergraduate males.

I hate that I'm just good enough to move on a few rounds, but that politics in various competitions have meant that I can't win. I hate that the only reason multiple prestegious young artist programs and summer programs for emerging opera talent turned me down is MY AGE.

I'm suddenly having the biggest Fuck The World moment I've encountered in a long time, and I hate that it's happening at such a wonderful time in the year. Andrei just found out that he's got a fabulous job next year at Krannert, and it comes with a slew of amazing benefits. Jacque and Seihee are singing all over the place winning money that I wish I could attain but I'm still so happy for them. The weather is flawless. The opera is over. School is practically over.

Why does this need to plague me now more than ever before? I'm waiting to have a vocal breakthrough and leave an awestruck crowd in my wake, but nothing is happening, despite the time and effort I'm putting in at the piano and in the practice room.

As I recently tweeted, I really wish an impresario would fall in love with my voice and fund my career. At least then I'd have something really great going for me in the money department. Cause at the moment? Zilch.

Just Called Mom and Dad

2010-05-06T18:40:00.001-05:00

I just called my parents (well, actually I did it like three hours ago, but whatever) to tell them about this potential Germany business. I told them to call back tomorrow or sometime when we can talk. At least hearing a final answer will justify my feelings one way or the other.

Aw man...

2010-05-05T20:50:00.002-05:00

I was doing so well with the not-depressing blog posts! Well, I suppose this one is only bittersweet, but you'll see what I mean. So, first thing's first: the opera went phenomenally well. I've received nothing but positive feedback from the faculty, my peers, and randoms I've never seen before and I'm very proud. Then, today was the last day of the semester and all of my assignments minus two final essays and three recital programs have already been turned in. Tomorrow I'm turning pages at a flute jury (eek! Pressure!) and also heading to the pool for as many sunny hours as I can clock. All this is making me happy.

Now for the bittersweet part: Yesterday Cynthia told me about a fabulous opportunity that's arisen for her students. She's been invited to serve on the faculty of a two week summer voice program in Germany just across the border (10KM) from Luxembourg. Included in the program are one voice lesson a day with Cynthia, daily acting classes, coaching in French, German, and Italian diction, and an operatic scenes performance, plus time to travel and not to mention the fact that it's TWO WEEKS IN GERMANY. The only problem? Of course that would be MONEY. The program costs about $2,500, and I likely have no way of scrounging up that money this fast.

I haven't told my parents about it yet, although I'll probably call them about it this weekend. I really want to go, but that is a LOT of money, and it would mean sacrificing my summer job in Lincoln Park, at which I would make precisely $2,500. Because isn't that the way things ALWAYS work out? So I'll keep you posted, although it's incredibly likely that I won't be attending, Andrei convinced me last night that it's not worth writing the idea off completely before at least assessing my options.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a part of his birthday present now.

Opening Night

2010-04-30T17:33:00.001-05:00

Hey girl hey! I'm singing my public opening night and am called at 6PM. I just wanted to let y'all know that's what's going on! Click the link to learn more about the performance

http://krannertcenter.com/performance.aspx?id=200962918582325675414467

Busy Bee

2010-04-22T19:53:00.002-05:00

Sorry kids, I've been busy. Feeling non lonely though, and quite remarkably happy minus the flitting-everywhere-daily aspect of things. And the fact that I could potentially be ill just 6 days before I sing over an orchestra and in front of an audience for this opera.

No big :)

2010-04-11T18:56:00.003-05:00

Being lonely, feeling lonely ... it's weird. I rarely feel lonely, but that 30-minute fit of crying on Friday night really through me for a loop and got me feeling all sorts of bizarre. My very good friends were all as supportive as can be, but for some reason it really hit me after sitting on the couch crying, and folding laundry crying, and lying in bed wrapped around a pillow crying, and moving back to the couch to recover a bit, and then cry again, and then actually stop ... how awful it feels to be lonely.

Yes, I was incredibly stressed about the recital, and schoolwork, and the opera, but I don't think anything like that has ever manifested itself in tears before. I've been stressed and I always seem to be able to get over it.

Maybe it was the fact that people who are so important to me couldn't be at my recital. Countless friends, Cynthia, Andrei, my brother (who's never heard me sing) ... all couldn't attend because they're very busy people who have very busy, fulfilling lives, and had other commitments which, frankly, were probably more important.

I don't hold that against anyone, because each and every one of those people makes me feel like the most important person in the world time and time again, but sometimes I just find myself wanting to take my frustration out and having no outlet for it. I think that's why the crying happened. Maybe it wasn't even the stress of the recital or missing my family and friends, or school, or anything. I really couldn't tell you WHAT made that happen.

But I can tell you that ever since Friday night, I've been feeling weirdly empty and alone. How odd is that? Seeing my parents was wonderful, telling them I'm dating someone who I actually care to inform them of was great, singing for them and so many other people was phenomenal, but then today after hugging them goodbye and coming home from church, I felt empty again. I laid out on the South Quad reading Tolstoy and felt lonely.

I eventually called a friend and coearsed him into coming over for a brownie before accompanying him to the grocery store just to fill my time.

What am I missing that would make me feel ... whatever this is? Maybe I'm just so not used to sharing my feelings with myself that it took an experience like Friday night to make me think things over and realize this is what I always feel like.

In which case, I'm totally okay with it because I never notice :)

God, I hate when my posts get all down like this. It's not as if I'm sitting around my apartment wearing all black feeling bad for myself, I'm just a little confused. Hopefully seeing people tomorrow will make me feel differently.

so I feel less crazy today

2010-04-10T16:00:00.003-05:00

I've tried to keep things normal today, at the behest of Andrei. So in addition to a few loads of laundry, cleaning my apartment before my parents got here, and practicing tonight's music for the last time this morning (I can proudly say that no crying occurred), I did treat myself to a little something: an hour on the Quad laying in the sun. I listened to good music, read the introduction to a new book, and felt the warmth of the light on my skin. It was beautiful, and now I'm getting closer to that golden delicious color I get in the summer that makes me feel like nothing can ever go wrong.

I'll let you know how the singing goes sometime soon, and I'll figure out a way to get the recordings online.

2010-04-09T22:57:00.003-05:00

Remember when I had my junior recital, and I was simply overjoyed as it was approaching, and I couldn't wait to perform for everyone and blah, blah, blah (as Kesha would say)? Well tomorrow I have another recital, and I'm kind of dreading it. Not because I don't love the music, which is stunning. I'm really in a bizarre funk about this.

There are 20 songs in the cycle and 19 of them are learned very well, and I feel fine about them. I love looking forward to the 20th song (one which I've posted here before), which is my favorite of the whole cycle. I love starting it young and innocently, and letting the music and story unfold as I sing through the pieces.

I hate being so nervous about song number 18. There is ONE phrase in the middle of the song which gives me trouble to the point that I'm scared it will throw the entire recital.

I'm scared that my parents won't enjoy it (which is ridiculous because my mom will probably be crying after the sixth song, which isn't even sad yet), or that my friends will grow bored of it, or ... or ... or...

fuck. in the middle of writing this I just started crying.

fuck fuck fuck

I don't usually do stuff like this

2010-04-07T04:09:00.000-05:00

but peep the timestamp on this post. Yep, I'm taking a little break from my homework to tell you that it's 4:10 AM and I'm imposing a nap on myself from now till 8:30 because I think I'll go crazy if I don't. Can you spell "woof?"

Haha we'll see if I recover from this by the recital on Saturday. I sure as hell hope so!

Come One, Come All!

2010-04-05T13:51:00.003-05:00

This Saturday, April 10, at 7:30 in the evening, I will be singing Franz Schubert's song cycle "Die Schöne Müllerin" accompanied by Sarah Cushman in the Memorial Room of Smith Memorial Hall, located at 805 S. Mathews in Urbana, IL 61801.

The twenty songs tell the story of an apprentice miller who is given permission by his master and the master's wife to explore the forest. He happens upon another mill, this one inhabited by a miller and his beautiful daughter, with whom the young miller falls in love. Meanwhile, a handsome hunter arrives as well, and the millermaid is smitten with him and leaves the young miller to pine in her amorous wake, eventually killing himself in the brook, his one consistent friend in life.

The recital will be recorded, and I will be SURE to get the CDs so I can finally pimp myself out on this freaking website -- it'll probably do me some good and then you can stop hearing people I'm obsessed with (Joyce DiDonato, anyone? Haha) and see what I've been working on for the past three years!

2010-04-01T00:08:00.003-05:00

I've been complaining, and just kind of a dick lately, and I wanted to apologize with a cute picture. I can now tell you that although I'm still stressed and nervous, I'm also a very, very happy boy. With a boyfriend. Whom I promise to not talk about too much or get all blogging-nuts over. Because who wants to read about that? In honor of my being stoopid-happy at the moment, here is a video I treasure from among my favorites list on YouTube. The initial entrance is great, but I'm really quite fond of the entire dance. That big-ass Superman guy can really move his thang(s):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWEbL133hP8&playnext_from=TL&videos=0F4h3CB54rI

Okay I couldn't embed it but seriously this crazy bitch is so worth it!

Happy boy!

Catharsis

2010-03-29T22:17:00.003-05:00

Wow, it's been exactly a week since I wrote an entry. So much for getting my shit together for Mike. Sorry buddy, I promise I'm still mulling over an actual entry! I even have some stuff written that I think would be wholly appropriate!

Okay. So. I need to give you all some fair warning: this is one of those "cathartic, bitch about my life so I don't have to actually complain to anyone in real life because that makes me feel needy, but I still get to air all my feelings of stress and other things" posts on my blog. So you're fully entitled to not read it. But ... well, whatever. I kinda hope you do so that way you'll know why I may or may not seem a tiny bit insane in the next few weeks.

My recital with Sarah (that link is to the Facebook event, let me know if it does/doesn't work) is on Saturday, April 10th. I'm finally feeling good about it. I have a legitimate handle on the 20 songs we're performing, I bought a new shirt to wear (it's the mint green version), and my new tie(s), one of which I'll be wearing for the performances, are coming soon too.

However, there's a lot of other stuff going on up in this life that coincides with that recital which is leading me to get stressed out just THINKING about the next month. I'm also singing a role in the Benjamin Britten opera Albert Herring, which is flattering and very exciting, but which is also very much TWO WEEKS AFTER MY RECITAL. That means that in the next two weeks, in addition to practicing for the recital and refining my performance technique (in German), I need to be memorizing 2.5 hours worth of other music to perform just 14 days later.

Aside from that I'm writing two essays for my English class (which, mercifully, I could probably write in my sleep and receive As on based upon my last essay for the class), reading three novels, and writing 4 short story responses. Again, not a problem were they not coinciding with this weirdly hectic performance schedule. Case and point: the first essay is due on Friday, April 9. Awesome.

Add to that my 10 page musical analysis of the John Adams opera Doctor Atomic, which is due (of course) on Monday, April 12 and hasn't been started yet, partially due to circumstances that are only partially under my control and partially because I'm useless and lazy.

Oh, not to worry, Cynthia also has me submitting my recordings (which only kind of exist/need to exist much more tangibly) to every competition possible in hopes of getting me some money for singing and some credentials to my name. This would also be wonderful if I wasn't simultaneously juggling these performances and the schoolwork I so consistently throw off until times no human being should ever read on a clock (anything post 2AM on a weeknight is ludicrous) ... and didn't make me nervous that rejection letters are going to be flowing into my mailbox very soon. Not that I haven't seen my fair share of them and mostly gotten over it. :)

Throw in the fact that I'm always nervous that the very awesome guy I'm crushing on/possibly/probably/hopefully/maybe/I actually think I am dating is mad at me even though it's essentially baseless/I probably made that up...

AND

The fact that I'm trying my damndest to continue going to the gym and swimming/running/biking/abs-ing every day (or nearly every day) because I want to be someone who may be described as "hot" by the first week of summer (if not before) if for no other reason than I'm narcissistic and have fully given in to the "pressures of society" and want to be ostensibly "perfect" ...

and you realize that I'm just like every other college student walking around this campus at this time. And that, dear reader, is the very reason I don't like to complain about things like this out loud. It makes me feel like every other whiny bitch who can't manage their time correctly et cetera, et cetera. I get that sometimes it's warranted to bitch and moan, but I'd rather do it here than subject people to it. Unless they ask. Then the deluge happens ... and everyone regrets it, haha.

So that's what's up. But don't worry, a happy post about being home, and another happy post about the AWESOME weekend I had in Madison at the end of spring break are soon to come.

You know, when I have some time to write them :)

When at Home

2010-03-26T15:21:00.010-05:00

Like when in Rome, get it? Haha. Actually, this is just a quick picture post. When I was home a couple weeks ago to sing for Bel Canto, I took a moment to drive around town a little bit and take a few pics of the kind of homes that make me think sometimes that there might be something to growing up and moving back to the suburbs one day. Every town has them; those houses that everyone recognizes because they're beautiful, impeccably maintained, and just aspirational enough to keep you on your toes.

This first abode is just three blocks north of mine. It was completed over a yearlong building process, and the result is beautiful. Unfortunately the weather wasn't the most cooperative the day I took these pics, so this house and the others don't look as great as they could. Built for a retired couple, the house features housing for a live-in caretaker, an elevator should one of its inhabitants ever be in a wheelchair, and can run entirely on its own generators should the power go out.

Next up we have a house that my mother loves, six blocks west of where I live. Its on an impressively manicured double lot, and the little turrets are quite fun. In the back, unfortunately (but obviously) not visible in this photo, is a screened-in porch that's about 25-15 feet, which the homeowner build himself. The garage is located under the home, and the gardens are maintained by the lady of the house.

Finally, we have a home I couldn't fit entirely in the frame. Whoops, silly me. Well, anyway: it's a beautiful house that most people from humble La Grange Park are quite familiar with. It's actually directly across the street from the turret house above! It's a beautiful white home built on a hill, and the back side of the house goes down into the hill a couple more floors ... so a two-story house from the front is a four-story house in the back. It's stunning. Love it! Also love the grand piano in the round stairs (you can't see it), even though it's kinda tacky.

2010-03-22T22:17:00.003-05:00

I like that quote. And I don't usually do that quote-y shit. I read it today while stumbling the internet. It was a largely unproductive stumble session that followed an almost unusually productive day. I made a very good spinach/onion/garlic/feta omlet for brunch and then sang with my coach for an hour to prepare for our recital on April 10, then hit the gym where I ran 3 miles and biked 9 more before going grocery shopping, doing the dishes, and cleaning my apartment.

Now I'm looking for fun things to share with y'all via the internet but it's not being very helpful aiding in my search, so ... sadface on that one. And sadface because I didn't have the PRIVILEGE of seeing Andrei today although I'm sure I'll get over that one right quick haha.

Possibly helping me: The fact that I'm going swimming tomorrow morning! I have an 11:30 AM date with my second favorite lap pool on campus (my favorite one isn't open until May because its outdoors) before another coaching at 1PM tomorrow afternoon. I'm so excited to SWIM! I haven't had a good, relaxing 1000M swim in AGES. Since before winter! I'm so over all of this running, maybe I'll get back into swimming. No sweat, no smelling disgusting, more fun, and I have a bitchin' pair of goggles to top it all off. AND I fit in a swimsuit I haven't worn in sooo lonnnng and I'm pumped to wear it tomorrow!

Chicka chicka yeah.

It's Been a Few

2010-03-21T08:50:00.003-05:00

I've been a little busy lately but that all changed this weekend (uh, kinda) because I'm on SPRING BREAK! The first night of break was spent cuddling on a couch watching Reefer Madness so I'd say I'm off to a damn good start. I've also caught up on laundry, cleaned, and worked out every day since Wednesday, including weights and (?) playing basketball! I know, I know. Next thing you know I'll be sleeping with women.

After church this morning I'm heading back to the gym with Dan to keep working on our fitness. I don't know what I'm going to listen to, music-wise, though, because I've been listening to La Traviata lately and I'm kinda over working out to it. Maybe I'll download something else, or just search my classical iPod lists? Whatever, I suppose I'll let you know.

I also need to practice again today, as that's a big part of why I'm staying here over break. So we'll see just what I get up to after my workout. Perhaps some more cooking will happen, too. And I SHOULD get groceries. And that way I can see Cute Schnuck's Checkout Guy! Win!

The Double Edged Sword that IS SiteMeter

2010-03-18T00:44:00.004-05:00

So I have an analytics program on my blog because I'm curious to know who's stopping by, and why they've popped in to see what's up on my slice of internet real estate. Besides the mysterious stranger from yesterday, there are also numerous, NUMEROUS Google referrals and people who happen upon my blog via those of others like Justin and Andrei, to name only a couple.

So today I saw that someone was referred to my site via Facebook, and I got all excited and assumed it was through my page. WRONG! It was through the page of a COMPLETE stranger with whom I have two friends in common but have never talked to, as he is apparently living in NYC. Well not only did his FB page direct someone to my blog, but it directed them simply to my web address, not to any particular page; I'm pretty sure that means someone read my blog and found it share-worthy? That makes me super excited and also a teeny tiny bit freaked out.

Mostly, though, I'm pumped.

But now the part of me that's weirdly nosy about things like this really wants to FB message this kid and ask him what's up, and see just how he happened upon my blog. Although maybe I'll get lucky and he'll see this and comment on it? Who even knows?

I think you can see what I mean about analytics being a double edged sword now though, right? I mean ... what is this? Whatever, at least people are reading my blog!

Dear Stranger

2010-03-16T23:26:00.005-05:00

Dear Stranger who lives 491 miles away from me (somewhere vaguely west of Champaign, possibly near Kansas, or in a far corner of Iowa? I'm really not sure),

Please identify yourself. I'm incredibly curious to know who's reading my blog and accessing it through my facebook profile so often. Also, I'm really flattered that you find me interesting enough to check up on me so frequently.

On the flip side, I'm a little nervous that you're going to turn out to be some sort of robot that checks my page really often and therefore never responds. Anyway, I'd really like to know who you are.

Thanks!

Sam

UPDATE: OMG but seriously! I posted this entry at 11:26PM and it's now 12:09AM; I just checked my analytics once more before going to bed and you were JUST HERE! On your Mac! WHO ARE YOOOUUUUU!??!?!?!?!

My Life Sans Pop Music

2010-03-15T15:48:00.003-05:00

Yep. That's what this whole 40 days is about. This year, like so many, I couldn't decide what to give up for Lent. I'm not the kind of person who just gives something up to do it, I enjoy the challenge, the reminder that I'm actually doing this for a reason (in theory, at least). A friend of mine who happens to be a Jew had a really good idea: give up pop music. Because I'm learning a recital of 20 strophic songs and also a surprisingly complex opera role (The Vicar), this was an especially good idea, and I decided to give it a go.

Early on, one of my friends laughed and cautioned me that now any song I heard would become immediately stuck in my head. I shrugged him off and continued on my merry way. The next night that guy gave me a ride to the gym and Prince's "Purple Rain" was playing in the car as we drove across campus. I was singing it off and on for the next three days.

I should elaborate and say that I gave up voluntarily filling my life with pop music. If I'm in the car with friends, or out at a bar, or getting my haircut, obviously I'm going to hear music and not be able to control it.

The idea behind this is that now I'm listening to more vocal music, particularly recordings of the opera and recital that I'm learning. And it's been working. Sometimes it's a little difficult, like when I'm running at the gym to slow music about death, but beyond that these past few weeks haven't been that difficult.

Then Lady Gaga came out with a new music video. One of my friends suggested that I watch it on mute, which was a valid way to scoot around the rules, but I think I'd rather watch the entire thing on Easter morning after I've performed my pants off with the John Rutter Gloria and appropriately rejoiced the resurrection. Or something.

I'm actually curious to see what things will be like after 40 days abstaining from pop music. Surely some songs will have happened that I haven't any concept of: I already see "Justin Bieber" as a trending topic literally EVERY TIME I'm on Twitter (follow me!), and I've never heard a single one of his songs.

And Andrei is kind enough to play me pop tunes when I happen to be in his car, which is always nice. But even that is incredibly minimal exposure. Will I listen to these bubblegum beats as frequently as I did before? Maybe, but I really think I won't! How bizarre.

Snap, this weather made me emo

2010-03-12T21:10:00.003-06:00

When other people knew where I sat at lunch. When I wasn't always working so diligently on things that seemed to improve so sluggishly. When I guarded my emotions so closely I always did the hurting, and they only came out when I performed. When Renee Fleming sang like this:

I miss laying out in the summer listening for the ice cream truck, hopping on my bike, and riding until I found the source of that tinkling music, finally able to buy a Dreamsicle, because WHAT ELSE would one buy from the ice cream truck? I miss wearing snowpants on my walk to school so I could play on the way there.

I miss being carefree.

Update

2010-03-12T20:13:00.004-06:00

Thank God I'm down with friends, because I said something today that can't be taken back, but at least I can always back off.

I'm home for Bel Canto Round 2 this weekend. My dad had a conference in Urbana today (just a few blocks from my apartment, at the Urbana Free Library!) so he picked me up. I'll be singing around 7:30PM on Sunday night at Monastero's Ristorante in Lincolnwood. Di tua beltade immagine from Donizetti's Poliuto will be my aria, and the art song I'm presenting is Mattinata by Ruggiero Leoncavallo. I'm really, really excited to be singing in front of a large, appreciative audience who has never heard me before -- it's always nice to receive new feedback. Think of me on Sunday night, and if you have my digits I wouldn't say no to a few encouraging text messages! (the picture above is the room in which I'll be singing.)

This morning and afternoon, before leaving at 4PM, I had a couple coachings. At 11AM I was back in the voice studio being groped/manhandled by Nathan Gunn. Once more, he gave me some vague singing advice (which I appreciate, because since he's not a voice teacher I'd never listen to ANYTHING he spat at me that was technical anyway) and some very great interpretation and performance advice. All in all, a very great coaching on some very great music, to be performed in recital on April 10 (I'll get more antsy and more blogg-y about it soon, I'm sure).

After lunch with Andrei, I stopped home to pack some stuff for the weekend before heading back to the practice room and warming up for my second coaching of the day, on my role in this spring's production of Benjamin Britten's Albert Herring. The music is sitting better in my ears and voice now, but I still think I've made the right decision in choosing to stay at school for most (if not all) of spring break.

After all that singing I hopped in the car with Tom and we were on the highway by 4:15, with me asleep listening to a Verdi opera within probably ... 15 minutes. I've been home for about an hour now, done with dinner and now I'm updating you all. Some intense practice will take place tomorrow to nail down some intricacies in these Italian pieces to sing on Sunday night.

Today I Did Something Great

2010-03-11T22:48:00.003-06:00

Something I rarely do, and something which I think I'll finally find myself ABLE to do now that I've done it. I said no to something.

I was offered the opportunity to perform the Act II finale quintet from Bizet's Carmen with Dr. Julie Gunn's coaching studio at the end of this semester, and I was learning the (deceptively difficult) music along with my (outwardly difficult) opera role and (horrifyingly long) recital repertoire for April and May when I realized that it was going to KILL me to try to memorize all of this and also work out some way to ... what is that again? Oh, right, PASS JUNIOR YEAR.

So I emailed the coaches and Dr. Gunn, explained my situation, and was greeted with warm understanding. Sometimes, being an undergraduate has its privileges. And sometimes you're told you're "too young" to participate in something and it pisses you off. Not that I'm bitter or anything, though. Haha.

I have some big vocal competition news but I'll save it for another entry -- I'm going to a friend's for dessert at the moment. Shwing!

How do I get a banner?

2010-03-08T23:06:00.003-06:00

I want a big, fun, cool collage-y banner for my blog header. Any suggestions? Also, this weekend was awesome. That's all you really get unless you ask me about it, but damn it was good. Like, pinch-myself-Saturday-night-after-getting-home-good. Repeat-on-Sunday-good.

Finally, as I tweeted earlier, I want to start a club for people who were fat and ugly 2nd semester freshman year of college and managed to get themselves into the realm of the attractive by 2nd semester junior year. I'm president. Online applications will be available shortly.

My Google Reader was Empty

2010-03-04T22:59:00.003-06:00

So I decided to write an entry and liven things up. Today I had yet another good voice lesson, but this was one where I didn't sing. Cynthia and I cleared some things up about how I'm performing, what I'm performing, and with whom I'm performing, and talked some more about just what it is that I'm going to do after graduation.

After another fun lunch, I had a rather interesting experience: a friend of mine is making a documentary for a film class, and elected to make yours truly the subject. I'm totally for real. We staked out a practice room in the Music Building and went about our merry way. I answered some questions, played a little piano (WOOF it was so bad), and also sang an aria. It was really cool. And yes, it will be on YouTube.

Get excited.

After that it was a quick trip to the mall (new flip flops at Express, visited Andrei) and Target (CUTE new underwear that I'm pretty excited about). AND my boots are probably going to arrive tomorrow while I'm WASTED because tomorrow is

UNOFFICIAL SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is probably the best day of spring semester at U of I, with the possible exception of Day Pool Party (which is in late April/early May), Unofficial! I'm attending Kegs and Eggs with an 8AM keg tap and breakfast, beer pong tourney till 9:45 when I head to class, class from 10AM-11 and then it's right back into the thick of things! Literally party to party until

A) Blackout
B) Pass out
C) Kicked out
D) Burned out

All of the above will likely happen, although I hope not (C). Parties are raging all day, I'm finally legal to be in the bars for the holiday(although that's probably not even fun at this point), and second wind should come between 3P-5P, just in time for the frats to reload on booze!

Pics from my BlackBerry to follow. I have to get rid of the ones on there now to make room haha

PS that Unofficial pic at the top of this is significant because the yellow building those girls are heading towards is the church I sing at. LOL.

2010-03-03T21:14:00.002-06:00

I don't usually think of my blog posts as overly pedantic, but this just happened to me on my way home from church choir (work): I was walking down the street LIKE A NORMAL PERSON and heard someone running. Okay, whatever. At this point you need to know the following: I was on a pedestrian path approximately twenty feet wide, all the way on the right (LIKE I SHOULD'VE BEEN), etc. So this guy's shadow is like creeping up on me, and then he slows to a walk. About ... three feet behind me, maybe closer.

I immediately dropped my phone in my pocket and was straight-up ready to punch this guy if he wanted to mug me. But instead, he just walked behind me for about 30 feet until the path got EVEN WIDER and he could pass me. On the right side.

Or so I assumed.

In fact, he simply CONTINUED TO WALK BEHIND ME until we came to the next cross street, where he turned to head south and I continued on my merry eastern way.

WTF?

CHICKA CHICKA YEAH

2010-03-02T21:16:00.003-06:00

Andrei linked me on his blog! I'll now be doing him the courtesy of reciprocating. Love it! Also, we had our first production meeting for the opera I'm singing at the end of April today. Scary because I need to memorize it so soon. That and the song cycle I'm signing for this recital. Hello, newly discovered need to apply myself. How are you?

Cruel

2010-03-02T09:34:00.001-06:00

I take a cruel amount of pleasure in going through my Facebook friends list and "removing connections." Also known as defriending people. It's awesome. The meanest thing I do, though (I think), is say to myself "I want to keep an eye on THAT trainwreck" and keep someone on the list for the privilege of stalking them. Awesome.

I am SO wearing my happy face right now

2010-03-01T23:25:00.003-06:00

That's really all I'm going to give you, because that's really all I have to offer, but just know that I am a very, very happy gent at the moment. Just had GREAT fun with a wonderful friend celebrating his 21st birthday, and had an interesting coaching (to say the least) with Nathan Gunn early this morning. Throw in a productive practice session and the fact that I'm finally THROUGH with South Pacific (love the cast, HATED the man hours), and you've got me way happy. Way. Happy.

LOVE IT!

PS I bought Hunter Wellington boots yesterday on eBay (duh), and I can't wait for them to get here! More happiness! More poverty!

PPS My electric bill arrived today and actually read "Amount due: $0.00" ... I don't understand, but HELL if I'm going to point it out!

I need to grow a pair

2010-03-01T00:18:00.001-06:00

and say something. Seriously. I'm like a child.

DAMMIT.

Addendum

2010-02-24T22:28:00.000-06:00

Andrei reminded me of a very important Cynthia quote that I forgot yesterday: "That's the difference between good and excellent, Sam, and you know which one you are."

DAMMIT! I missed my 400th Post!

2010-02-24T22:27:00.002-06:00

I've been gearing up to post a lil celebratory pic and I missed it! I'll have to do something for 500 instead.

Make Yourself Necessary

2010-02-23T23:58:00.004-06:00

Today my voice teacher did something she frequently does in a new way, and I really appreciated it; perhaps more than I usually do. This afternoon Cynthia asked me if I've been watching the Olympic Games. I told her no, because I don't have a TV (truth). She then said "Boy you RENT a TV for the Olympics!" But then carried on with what she had to say, which was this:

Watching ice skaters, skiers, snowboarders (particularly Shaun White in this case), and all other Olympic athletes is impressive because they have done what so many pedestrians are able to do and taken it past the next level. They have made what is difficult easy, and added to it a unique finesse which is entirely their own. That, Cynthia continued on, is what a truly great singer needs to do; to master the art, the technique, the language, and the most difficult music and reign it to a point where it is nothing but second nature, to take it past that point and add to it something that is so personal, so uniquely theirs, that there is no singer in the world a house would rather call than, say, Samuel James Dewese.

A responsible, talented singer takes the time to go to the practice room and find in his or her voice the purest sound possible. Singing is an extension of speech and today Cynthia dared me to simply speak the text, knowing every word I said and, furthermore, meaning it.

I'm excited to go to the studio and work on it some more.

Is Site Meter Man's Greatest Invention?

2010-02-21T13:26:00.003-06:00

Shout outs to those who stopped by in Manila and Deutschland! Guten tag! Wie gehts??

If I could have said the same thing in Filipino I would. Swear it.

So I'm blogging from backstage, in my man skirt (sarong, lava lava, whatever you want to call it), waiting for the second South Pacific dress rehearsal to start. My shins are a little cold but I'm popping a few grapes in my mouth and settling down to hang out for a while.

So I mean ... I'm just hangin' out I guess. Doing some studying when I'm done with this. Some real adults in the cast are discussing their homes. Which are like ... 120, 130 years old. Woof. Not my style. But then again living in Champaign longer than four years isn't really my style.

Just sayin' ... ya know?

2010-02-21T00:14:00.003-06:00

You know how you do things and then you relive them in your mind over and over and over again? And then you begin to analyze and overanalyze and just go kinda nuts?

So remember how I recently kind of accidentally texted the guy I'm crushing on that I am, indeed, crushing on him? And then I wanted to take it back but I didn't because that would be stupid (not to mention impossible)? And I've been wishing ever since that I'd had the tact to instead say it in person?

Well yeah, that happened. See the previous post for just about the same information delivered in possibly a MORE confusing manner.

Well anyway, now every time we talk I feel like I'm creepily needy and weird. And the thing is, the day after my accidental text blurt out we had lunch and it was just the same as things had been before, and we texted all day just as we had been doing before, and generally things weren't weird and haven't been since then.

But I still can't help feeling ehhhh about the whole situation because ... well, I just paused for a really long time and I think that just about sums it up. I can't tell you precisely why I can't help feeling ehhhh about all of this but here we are, and I still feel the same way.

Because, like I said in my previous post (but in a very oddly phrased manner), I'd rather have a good friend with whom I can shoot the breeze, and eat lunch, and laugh, and text about a million things, and shop with, and WHATEVER than have a boyfriend if it means accidentally jeopardizing the fun I've been having being friends with this guy.

So ... fuck. I don't know what to do and I feel foolish. But he's coming over for dinner tomorrow (I promised I'd cook for him and am making good on said promise, duh), so hopefully some of this weird internal dialogue will be resolved. And or brought out. And or ... well, just hopefully SOMETHING.

In the mean time, I'm going to read about music history before bed, get up and go to church to sing, go to rehearsal for a few hours (show next weekend, Thursday-Sunday!), and then get ready to cook the most badass vegetarian meal Champaign has ever seen!

Or something. Shit things have become so vague all of a sudden. Well, since the text blurt.

But here's what I DO know for sure: I get all excited when I have a new text message, and when the tone that my phone assigns frequent texters (in lieu of everyone else) goes off, I know it's either this boy or Sami texting me from Los Angeles, and I get more excited. And I'm all about having lunch with him Tuesdays and Thursdays, and coffee whenever, and drinks, and doing crossword puzzles together.

Damn I'm crushing HARD!

Well That Happened

2010-02-19T11:12:00.003-06:00

So I told this guy that I'm real into him. Like actually into him. Well I believe my actually (unfortunately TEXTED) words were "have a righteous crush." But I think it was the right thing to do. Though I really wish I'd done it in person. And used a word that was in the general public vernacular past the year 1985. But I'll live. Because I think I actually am sure it was the right thing to do. Otherwise ... well, whatever.

Because even if we stay friends, I'd rather have a cute friend to talk about anything with and get lunch and drinks with and whaaaatever than have never said anything at all and weirdly hovered in the friend zone without knowing.

So that's my life for today.

Also, I'm coaching with this hot piece of man in two weeks on some German songs. Get excited.

Ryan Opera Center

2010-02-12T22:37:00.003-06:00

The Lyric Opera of Chicago mainstage (!!!)

Cynthia has requested that I audition for the Ryan Opera Center at the Lyric Opera of Chicago this May. And by suggested, I mean asked me if I'd be comfortable doing so. I know she wouldn't suggest something like this if she didn't think I was ready, but two years ago I NEVER would have thought I'd be singing as a soloist audition candidate for one of the premier young artist programs in the United States, much less the world.

5 arias. Recitative included should it be deemed appropriate. At least one aria in Italian. I need to look through my repertoire and see what's up. Obviously I'd like to sing the aria from Poliuto, and probably a Mozart aria I've already learned. Wow I'm getting nervous just thinking about this. A $38,000 stipend the first year, singing on the stage of one of the best opera houses in the world, opportunities to coach with the best coaches, accompanists, and conductors ... I'm so excited that I could, at such a young age, be ready for this!

Whew. Even though it's only 10:40 I think I'm going to take my laptop into bed and hit the sack after some Hulu. All that excitement plus my three mile run this evening have left me a rather tired boy.

Success Part II

2010-02-09T23:22:00.001-06:00

Vague Valentine's Day plans have been made? Bel Canto advance? Downloaded my 20 song recital repertoire recording tonight?

The past 24 hours have been splendid!

Apparently

2010-02-09T00:33:00.003-06:00

Apparently I do video blogs now. They're so effective in terms of getting the emotions out for you crazy bitches.

LIKE THIS ONE! AAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHHHHHHH!

WHAT?! Biggest Surprise of 2010

2010-02-08T18:33:00.002-06:00

So I was Googling Things

2010-02-08T09:14:00.004-06:00

So I was Googling things and remembered that I've always wanted to Google the Special K Challenge. Now, I realize that it's essentially a corporately endorsed way to be kinda ... on your way to an eating disorder, but that's part of what fascinated me about it.

Here's the deal: you replace two meals a day (one meal, in my case, since I already eat cereal for breakfast) with Special K cereal or a similar alternative (Special K waffles, Special K protein shakes, etc.). The third meal of your day is totally normal. I would, for instance, have garlic shrimp with pasta, carrots, and broccoli tonight after starving myself with cereal all afternoon.

Plus, I can't really tell, but I think the idea here is that you ALSO continue to work out while "taking the challenge." Um ... so you want me to die!? Sweet Jesus that's intense! But seriously ... how scary is that? I'll stick to eating a little better and running three or four miles a day, thanks!

I Have Never Felt Like This Before

2010-02-07T15:19:00.002-06:00

New Facebook?

2010-02-06T00:23:00.000-06:00

So I think that when this super new incarnation of Facebook hits my homepage I'm going to go through my friends list and get rid of people I don't need to be friends with anymore, or am not really friends with, etc. Because 1,117 people is kind of excessive. As much as I like to pretend it's the case, even I can be real. Every once in a while I don't know the people who pop up in my newsfeed. That's what we call NOT BEING FRIENDS.

So yeah. Sometime this weekend, I would assume.

2010-02-05T15:43:00.002-06:00

How adorable is this story? God, I don't know why I have so many feelings lately. But anyway:

When my sister was younger she came home from school one day and demanded I take her to the library so she could get books on sign language.

I asked why? She told me there was a new kid at school who was deaf and she wanted to befriend him.

Today I stood beside her at their wedding watching her sign "I DO".

In the Next 3.5 Hours

2010-02-02T16:29:00.003-06:00

In the next 3.5 hours I will:

Have birthday dinner/cupcakes/drinks with a friend
Pack for my trip home
Complete a homework assignment
Read a chunk of Frankenstein
HAVE A VOICE LESSON
Be on a train

In the last 2 hours I:

Solidified a plan to make the voice lesson I have at 7PM happen (well ... almost solidified)
Had a partial voice lesson that made me want to cry and change my life plan
Grabbed a cappuccino and recharged w/Andrei by doing a crossword puzzle/trying to take my mind off feeling like a failure
Sat through class looking at matricies and learning how they relate to musical composition.

Today bites.

Update:

2010-02-02T10:14:00.004-06:00

So I'm coming home tonight, eradicating some of my fear in the previous post. I'll be in the city circa 11PM, in the suburbs by 1AM, and asleep by 1:30. Back to the city no later than 4:45PM, singing in Lincolnwood at 6PM, and back on the train to school by 8PM, arriving in Champaign right around 11PM.

Sounds doable, right?

WHO DO I KNOW IN CHICAGO????

2010-02-01T21:19:00.003-06:00

Note: part of the reason I'm writing this is to get my thoughts into a real place where I can look over my ideas and figure out what the hell I'm going to do.

HOWEVER, if you have any advice, please let me know here via a comment, or by email, IM request, tweet (@samdewese), or Facebook post. I'm SO SERIOUS. I NEED HELP/IDEAS.

Here's the skinny:

I'll be in Chicago on Wednesday to sing in a competition at Monastero's Ristorante (in Lincolnwood) sponsored by the Bel Canto Foundation. I'm excited, yadda yadda, but am running into some SERIOUS logistical problems. I'll be taking the train home, either on Tuesday night (HOPEFULLY, depending on my South Pacific rehearsal shedule), or on Wednesday morning.

Here's where things get fishy. Well, part one of where things get fishy. Should I take the train north on Wednesday, I'll leave circa 10AM and arrive circa 1PM. This leaves 5 hours till my audition time is scheduled. I will arrive at Union Station. My audition is about half a stone's throw from Bryn Mawr Country Club. Maybe if I were to walk that five hours would be helpful, but as of now it's just painful/annoying. I'm going to try to find a friend whose apartment I can warm up at/get dressed at/stress out at between my arrival in town and my audition.

BUT, I need to get to the ristorante as well. I'm thinking I'll just have to hop on the Red Line, get off at Granville, and cab it (not the best or most cost-effective option, but I'll probably live). Does anyone have a better idea than that? I'm worried!

Part two of my confusion: My voice lesson is at 10AM on Thursday. There's a train out of the city at 8PM Wednesday night or one at 8AM Thursday morning. Obviously, I may not be HAVING a voice lesson this week and if it comes to that I'm fine.

The actual part two is this: the W-2 from my summer job is currently sitting in my mail basket at home in the SUBURBS and it's looking like I PROBABLY (but not necessarily) won't be GETTING TO THE SUBURBS should I decide on/be forced into a Whirlwind Chicago Tour all on Wednesday (which, in all likelihood, may happen).

Any ideas? I'll be booking my tickets tonight so ...

Season 3

2010-01-30T19:19:00.002-06:00

SO. Worth the wait!

Justin Had Another Great Idea, NBD

2010-01-29T15:42:00.004-06:00

So my pal Justin over at Guy From Chicago (who is obviously a blogger) mentioned the fact that he's interested in seeing where others who could be considered bloggers do their ... blog work. So, in the spirit of sharing, the photo below is of my desk, which, for the most part, is where I write from when I'm imparting my brilliant wisdom of the world upon you all. Haha. PS Sorry the pic is huge.

So, here we see the usual things featured in a tiny one person apartment: other rooms are visible no matter where you're at (that's the kitchen you see in the distance, past the Salad Bar sign I stole from a dining hall freshman year); the desk, ugly black chair you can't really see in front of it, and pigeon hole organizer were all provided by my landlord; and you can see how I've recently gotten SUPER into candles. Like. Super. They're always happening in here.

What does your blogging workspace look like?

Yeah, You Should Hit That Up

2010-01-29T11:54:00.003-06:00

So last night we had Designer Run for "South Pacific," which means we ran as much of the show start to finish as we could and all of the designers (costumes, makeup, hair, lighting, sets, etc.). This was the first time I'd seen much of the show, and even though I generally tend to kinda hate on musicals, this shit was funny! The music is kinda whatever (blah blah boring and formulaic), but the story is a bit endearing and all of the opera students are having a blast letting loose with the ridiculousness of it all. So yeah.

Buy your tickets soon, Saturday night and the Sunday matinee are already almost sold out (that's 2,000 tickets sold already!)

Quick Recap

2010-01-26T22:57:00.002-06:00

Saturday - dinner/bar.
Sunday - coffee.
Monday - impromptu jam session
Tuesday - lunch
Wednesday - ?
Thursday - dinner plans

Is this my life??

Success!

2010-01-24T22:21:00.003-06:00

So my date last night was so fun! We went to a tapas place in Downtown Urbana first, and then after having fun with the Spanish in the menu, drinking the delicious cinnamon-laced coffee, and listening to the live guitar and string bass, we went to a bar in another part of downtown and sat upstairs drinking Guinness.

Then we took a leisurely walk back toward campus, and said goodnight. Some cute texting happened, blah blah blah, and then we went out for coffee tonight. I just got home from that little excursion. We were at Starbucks for like an hour and a half. So fun again! We're getting lunch this week too. Can you tell how happy I am just from my writing? Because I really hope you can.

ALSO. My BlackBerry is in Champaign! I just got an email from the USPS saying that was processed in the sorting facility here tonight at 7:30 which meeeannnnnnssssss ... I WILL HAVE MY BLACKBERRY IN THE NEXT 48 HOURS! I cannot even wait. I'm so over any touchscreen phone that isn't an iPhone I can't even tell you. This is totally a brilliant alternative. Sleek, capable ... has KEYS I can TOUCH. Brilliant! I can't even wait.

I just sold an old phone on eBay yesterday and I'm selling the one I'm replacing as soon as I activate my new child (AKA my soon-to-be-named-because-I-name-my-technology BlackBerry). I LOVE THIS WEEK!

So I Have a Date Tonight

2010-01-23T01:14:00.002-06:00

Yeah ... at a tapas place. I'm pretty pumped. I mean we're meeting for drinks but whatever. He's a musician but not a singer, a few years older than me, and has used the word "welp" instead of "well" and told me he doesn't like American football.

I have a feeling that at the very least we could become quite good friends hahaha.

2010-01-22T13:08:00.002-06:00

It's 1:08 PM and I'm currently sitting in a lecture hall with my TA sitting behind me, and a few seats to the left. I can't go on Facebook because he can see my screen. In fact, I'm a little nervous to even be blogging, but he'll understand when I ace the fuck out of his first exam.

SUCK ON IT!

O M G (But Seriously)

2010-01-22T01:18:00.005-06:00

Bubby, I just realized you're from South Africa. You therefore have, by default, the most alluring accent on the planet. Like the sexy kind of "Excuse me, I just heard you speak, meet me in the bathroom of this bar in 5 minutes you'll know me because I'll be the naked one" accent people dream about.

I'm so serious. Some people look at others and think to themselves "yeah, I can see myself making poor life choices with that guy because he's cute with that beard" or maybe "I could see myself making a bad decision based on that guy's face."

You can quote me on the fact that I feel that way about a South African accent. And if you were to speak Afrikaans, I would literally look you in the eyes and WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT say "let's hook up NOW" before leading you to the first semi-private place I could find.

Keep in mind, Bubby, that I am not necessarily directing this post at you, beyond the first paragraph. Rather, I'm directing it at the South American public. You want a stereotype of a skanky American study abroad student? Look no further than THIS GUY when I'm there, because I will fuck your brains out based on how goddamn hot your voice is.

Or maybe not, but you'll have a much better chance than anyone else.

Warning: This is Kind of Morose

2010-01-21T01:18:00.003-06:00

So I've been supposed to meet up with Acer potentially every night this week. Sunday, but then something happened and we couldn't. So then Monday was a maybe but it didn't. Tuesday was real but then didn't. Wednesday night was a semi almost but then flopped. Tonight the same thing.

I can't figure out if it's some sort of sad scheduling thing, or if I'm being covertly faked out, or if I'm reading too much into this, or what, but it's made me really unhappy. We talked rather a lot over break about the possibility of being together and now have failed in the easiest week of the semester to get together.

I have a date this weekend with someone else, a grad student in the school of music who's smart, and cute, and funny, and makes me quite happy, but the problem is this: I'm straight up still crushing on Ace as if we just met. Truly. So I don't want to do something stupid in either case.

Ugh someone tell me what to do! Isn't there a book on this shit? I kind of feel like if Ace and I don't manage to get together this week at all, I should sadly pack up and move on, but I also feel like that could be a HUGE. MISTAKE. and I would regret it immediately. You know?

HELP!

Una Fortiva Lagrima

2010-01-19T23:25:00.003-06:00

So my classes were canceled, as I wrote about earlier, right? Right. Well, after boasting about that shit in literally ever format I could (including text, Facebook, and Twitter to name three, and this blog to name four), I was viciously attacked by karma circa 2:30PM this afternoon.

Walking out of my apartment building's front door, which is slightly recessed, I immediately turn the corner, as always. On the wall are the mailboxes. Today, turning that corner, I completely biffed it on a patch of black ice. While the mailman was delivering mail approximately five feet away from me.

I believe my exact words were "Well shit." The mailman laughed and asked if I was alright, assuring me that he'd recently done the same thing. I thanked him, assured him I was well enough to continue on my way to class, and limped off toward campus.

Upon returning to my apartment an hour later, I changed into shorts to lounge in, and climbed onto my couch. In climbing, my leg was victim of a diabolical offense. By a zipper on a pillow. But, I'll have a righteously cool scar on my shin so it's cool.

So yeah, that happened.

PS The title of this post has nothing to do with what I'm writing about, but everything to do with the song I'm listening to on YouTube on repeat, which I wrote about earlier today. Translated, it quite clearly means "a furtive tear." Beautiful. I prefer Domingo's rendition, or perhaps that of Rollando Villazon. Pavarotti is a skilled singer but I have trouble believing him in this aria, for some reason. Whatever. It's just glorious.

Flake

2010-01-19T14:12:00.003-06:00

So, is the possible current boy turning out to be a flake? That would make me sad. But it would make some things easy, too. Mostly though, it would be sad. Like, we're talking 94% sad and 6% easy haha. But ... that's enough about that.

I'm really here to inform all you bitches about the fact that with today being the first day of the new semester, I woke up ready for class, chose my clothes carefully after shaving and showering, and then what happened? My first two classes were canceled! So, after going to the practice room like a good voice student, I came home to enjoy a long lunch and am just finishing listening to a beautiful recording of Placido Domingo singing "Una Fortiva Lagrima," the aria about unrequited love in Donizetti's "L'Elisir d'Amore," which opens this weekend (Saturday!) at the Lyric Opera of Chicago. I highly recommend it to anyone who's in town, because it's a comic opera with beautiful, BEAUTIFUL music, and it's short!

Now I'm off to my one class today (haha I still can't get over that) and then to practice some more, before I have to report to rehearsal for the Opera Which Shall Not Be Named at 6PM.

Currently On My Mind

2010-01-15T02:22:00.002-06:00

My brother will arrive in Haiti tomorrow as a part of the relief effort. Go, Mike! But also return. And all in good health. I know he's going to see some scary shit over there, what with the piles of dead bodies, and the aftershocks still rocking the tiny island nation, but let me tell you a little story about my brother:

A few years ago, when he was a commuting student, my brother was on a bus that was vaguely involved in an auto accident. That is to say, somehow a motorcyclist slid under the bus after having collided with a car. Or something. Anyway, my brother was the brave soul who stepped forward to take the poor man's pulse as he lay motionless in the street. He was dead. My brother is a strong man, and now that he's with Illona, he has a lot to live for. Not that he didn't before, but boy is he a fighter. I'm super proud.

Also on my mind: the fact that I FINALLY head back to school on Saturday morning. I love home, and I love my friends, but I'm supremely psyched to get back to Champaign (if at some point this semester I bitch about how much I hate it, redirect me to this post and I'll shut myself up right quick), go on a date, see friends, HAVE MY OWN APARTMENT AGAIN, and (surprisingly), start classes. Even though I'm in a couple random ass gen-eds (GEOL 103 and ENGL 109, specifically), most of my semester is going to be taken up with learning music for two opera performances (including my first legit lead role!), and an hour-long recital I'm presenting in April with a master's student.

Speaking of boys and the date I have on Sunday night (yes, you read that correctly. Because of MLK Junior Day there's no school on Monday, so the boy and I are meeting up for drinks on Sunday evening), this little tidbit arrived tonight via Gchat with Terry: he'll be back in Chicago as of next school year as a graduate student, because he got into the University of Chicago with a scholarship. That smart bastard! Of course I would land someone semi serious and he'd return to America to make me be totally into him again. Fuck. But this is a better problem than being perpetually single, I suppose. I swear I'm not really complaining. I think. I hope. Sorry if I am. Okay enough of that.

Now this:

4 People

2010-01-12T12:56:00.001-06:00

4 People have told me to "audition" for (send a tape to) Glee. I can't decide what this means, but I'm pretty sure I might as well do it. Cynthia might smack me upside the head, but I might deserve it.

This Just Happened

2010-01-10T00:55:00.002-06:00

So I just saw a friend of mine on SNL. No, I'm totally serious. We go to college together. She modeled in one of the fashion shows I produced last year. She's a tall, beautiful, talented girl -- she was singing backup for Alicia Keys! It was really great to see her doing something she loves on such a big scale. At the end of the night when the host was saying thanks, she was standing next to him! Him being Charles Barkley. Yep. Wow!

All this has given me a new potential (possibly very real) goal: to be the first classical singer to appear as musical guest on Saturday Night Live. Crossover appeal is huge these days. If one of my professors has appeared in the magazine as one of People's 50 Sexiest Men Alive (see below), then why can't I do this? We shall see, my friends, we shall see.

So Ravinia Happened Today

2010-01-08T23:31:00.000-06:00

And it went well. I sang well. Not perfectly, but I certainly feel that I represented myself well. It was a true reality check when the other people waiting to audition with me were older than me by 5 years, but not completely unexpected at all. One boy was just the standout lead role in the Jacobs School of Music production of "The Magic Flute." I hate tenors. All they do is jack off about themselves on themselves around others. It's sick and annoying. But this boy throwing these facts around achieved what I'm sure he wanted it to: it made me a bit nervous. But whatever. I breezed in that shit looking fly as hell, performed, and peaced back to my neck of the suburban woods.

And that, bitches, is how it's done.

Things I Know I'll Never Do

2010-01-06T00:34:00.003-06:00

Anything that involves putting smoke into one of my only marketable assets: my throat. This list includes but is not limited to: hookah, cigarettes, cigarellos (LAME), cigars, pot ... crack I guess but that's just a fail. I'm classy so I'd snort or say "fuck off"

Ecstasy. As much as I want to (which, surprisingly, is kinda a lot), my sophomore year in high school self was seriously freaked out by that video of how much brain damage came from using ecstasy. And I'm not saying I would become an addict. But ... yeah, that shit scared me.

Bungee jump. Yeah. And this is something I want to do. REAL REAL REAL bad. However. In all honesty, I think about it sometimes and realize that it's jumping off something high with a rubber band connected to your junk. No. Thanks.

Live in La Grange as an adult. I'm not saying I wouldn't live in the suburbs, because as much as I love the city and the idea of being cosmopolitan forever there's something about ... this life that is oddly sweet and that I can see myself wanting in the future. Just not here.

Alright that's it for now I suppose? I'll probably add to this in the future.

Oh wait. I'll also never live down this photograph (not that anyone in it is really ... at their most prime):

Yep, I Use a Nordic Track

2010-01-04T10:53:00.002-06:00

Welcome to my ghetto ass life

New Year 2010: Went from Vague of PERFECT

2010-01-01T18:25:00.003-06:00

Wasted party hopping in Lincoln Park and Lakeview.

Texts from friends offering boys (um ... what?) and from boys who "missed me."

Email from boy in Paris.

Kissing best friends for midnight.

Champagne flippy cup.

Childhood friends.

Drunk dialing my brother and his fiancée in Virginia.

Peeing off a balcony. Speaking some broken Russian.

Kiss on the cheek from an old friend.

Cabbies who dropped us off EXACTLY where we wanted to go.

Sleeping from 9AM-3:30PM.

PLEA FOR HELP

2009-12-31T02:29:00.002-06:00

DESPERATE plea for help!

A friend of a friend is coming to Chicago for her 21st birthday and it's been thrown around that we'd like to find a kinda classy bar to take her to. Crimson Lounge (at the Sax) and Rhapsody (by Orchestra Hall), have both been mentioned/considered. Anything else we should be looking into? The Loop would be ideal but obviously with help from friends like The El we could get other places (Bucktown, Lincoln Park, Old Town, et cetera).

HELP US! We're vaguely frugal (see also: overdraft, Christmas), newly 21, and looking for reasons to be dressed up.

So yeah. Thanks.

It's been decided

2009-12-31T02:14:00.003-06:00

This New Year's Eve I'll be ringing in 2010 with good friends and strangers alike at an intersection where I spent almost my entire summer: Belden and Sheffield in Lincoln Park. Literally the intersection of the camp at which I was enslaved this summer. I really can't believe it, but the irony is kind of beautiful in a morose way. Like ... truly. How could this even be real, and yet ... it's going down in less than 24 hours. Less than 22 hours, in fact.

So, if you'll be in or near Lincoln Park for NYE tomorrow night, you should probably let me know! Comment me, email me, IM me, text me -- just let me fucking know!

More Music

2009-12-30T12:49:00.002-06:00

One by one I'm going through every song on my iPod and writing them down (actually typing them) because I need to re-download each one. Why, you ask?

When my computer was given a new hard drive, and thusly new life, it became a new computer. As such, it won't sync my iTunes library to my iPod, even though my iPod is known as "Sam Dew***'s iPod" and my computer is also "Sam Dew***'s Computer." Frustrating, but at least I have an iPod and a computer!

I'll be sure to let you know when my litte project is complete. Also, not that this should be on my mind, but I think it's more frustrating that I have to re-download all the apps I have on my iPod (it's an iPod Touch, I bought it for myself as a birthday present in late October) because I don't think I can keep them when I reanimate it to comply with my new hard drive. Sad day lol.

SJD

Pandora

2009-12-29T17:19:00.002-06:00

Today Pandora has given me nothing but songs I already know. I'm not complaining though, because usually it's really good about directing me to new things.

Question Mark?

2009-12-29T10:45:00.002-06:00

Woke up to my phone beeping this morning because I had just received a text. The message?

"Do you like sex?"

Um ... thanks, buddy.

Once Again

2009-12-29T00:21:00.001-06:00

Once again, New Year's Eve has become a thing where I have approximately 4 vague sets of plans. Something truly appealing needs to happen or else I'm going to have a vaguely fun night that probably ends in vomit because I try to drink away the mediocrity.

Okay that's my rant. Thanks.

This Woman is a Beast

2009-12-28T12:50:00.002-06:00

Favorite aria. Favorite singer. This music accentuates virtuosity in a way that only a few composers are ever able to. Rossini was simply able to understand the coloratura mezzo-soprano voice and wrote for it brilliantly. The rest comes down to this: sometimes, as I realized yesterday in the shower while listening to myself butcher this aria in another key just for fun, we the people just have to wait for a singer to come along who is talented in a way that compliments the music in the way the music compliments the voice. This woman (Joyce DiDonato) was MADE to sing this aria. Constructed for it.

That's why she's able to sing the aria better than anyone else I've ever heard IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's a talent of epic proportions in my opinion. As far as I know she's not a bitch ass crazy diva like Kathleen Battle. She's simply an incredibly talented human being who likes to share. And share she did earlier this opera season at the Royal Opera House at Covent Garden in London:

Joyce DiDonato (who sings like a dream proving that you can come from ANYWHERE and be talented, as she's from Kansas) fell and broke her leg during a performance, hobbling through the rest of the first act and finishing the rest of the evening on crutches. She then performed the rest of the entire RUN of the opera in a wheelchair. WHAT THE FUCK SHE'S SO FUCKING AWESOME!

So watch. Laugh. Be AMAZED by her ornamentation. THIS is why I love opera. And, if you're not inclined to watch someone prove how EASY it is to make singing look, skip ahead to 4:40 and watch to 4:50. The way she skips down and then runs back up the scale is the most incredible little affectation I think I've ever seen!

I might have just creamed my pants.

2009-12-26T01:20:00.003-06:00

So I go online today and check my bank balance. OVERDRAFT. Merry Christmas, sincerely TCF!

Ugh, mega woof!

Thank God I didn't find this until like midnight, else it could have put a real damper on an otherwise brilliant Christmas. It came about as such: My two accompanists from school both cashed their checks this week (-$250), Ravinia hit up my $60 application fee(for my audition on JANUARY 8TH SO SOOOOOON!!), and I had to spend an extra $115 at work buying clothes without my discount. I'll get that money back from A&F tomorrow (I sincerely hope/anticipate), plus I have a couple checks I'm running to the bank to deposit tomorrow morning, and the overdraft and fee together only made me in the red by $72. Still. Not fun.

Especially because I was about to buy myself a Christmas present on Ebay when I discovered this little snafu. Ouch. Good thing I have a job over winter break and my student loan refund for second semester will happen soon. I'm thankful.

Merry Christmas! PS if you have New Year's plans you want to include me in, let a brother know!

Oh Man, 9 Days Later

2009-12-24T07:39:00.002-06:00

Yeah ... it's been nine days since I wrote anything on here.

My MacBook crashed last week during finals. Disaster. I took it to the Apple store yesterday and got a new hard drive. FOR FREE! Christmas miracle, yay!

And of course over those nine days weirdness would happen with two boys, nothing would happen with a third, and EVERYTHING would happen with a fourth. That makes me sound super slutty, but let me elaborate:

1. Weirdness happened with one boy: Ace and I have been talking still, but nothing more than that. We've seen each other a bit, and he's still cute as hell, but I don't know that we'll ever be more than friends. I crushed hard, was "smitten like a kitten" as Joe Arko would say, but alas nothing doing I suppose. I'll live. I'd rather have a friend than a brief relationship.

2. Weirdness happened with another boy: Ben and I are suddenly not talking again? Maybe. I don't really understand but I'm pretty sure it might just be a timing thing. It might not though. So ... uh ... yeah. I dunno about that. But it's kind of a bummer until it's figured out, I can tell you that for sure. He's just so damn cute and tall! Maybe I still have residual feelings from the first time we flirted on the train. Who knows?

3. The third boy I've realized recent crushing has happened on is named Andrei, he's a graduate student in the school of music at U of I, but he's NOT A SINGER. Please, as I think I've stated many times on this little slice of internet real estate, I don't think I'll ever date another singer. Just not my style. I'm pretty sure there would be a lot of weird, possibly unspoken competition. No thanks. But anyway, he's cute and flirty and plays the piano and has a fun name and is tall (but not quite clocking in at my 6'3") and just all around great.

4. Terry and I talked for a rather long while on Tuesday night. Well, it was Tuesday night in Chicago but it was 3AM Wednesday morning in Paris. Whatever, take any of that to mean what you will. We talked about when he's coming home (June 16), what he's doing in the summer, graduate school, the two of us seeing each other, missing each other ... it was weird and I felt vaguely adult. So yeah. That was special. But really, it was. I left that conversation feeling weirdly okay about things. Even optimistic. Because that part of the year, the end of June, will certainly be very happy for the two of us.

And now I'm off to bake cookies at 7:45 AM and wrap presents (every year my bedroom turns into freaking Santa's workshop on Christmas Eve. But hey, I'm not complaining!). SO ... I'll get back to you guys stat.

XOXO,
SJD

As I Write

2009-12-15T11:48:00.002-06:00

As I write this entry, it's 11:48AM and I'm reclining in my bed. My Russian book is is sitting in my living room, on the couch. Where I left if a few days ago when I removed it from my backpack.

This is largely unimportant, except for the fact that my Russian 101 final exam begins at 1:30PM. Today.

I better pass this class.

Every Night

2009-12-13T23:12:00.002-06:00

Every night around this time my upstairs neighbor takes a 15 minute shower. I would KILL to have that kind of a routine in my life. I'm hoping that next semester I really will buckle down and do it but I'm not positive. I need to change that hope into a straight up reality but I haven't arrived at a place where I have the wherewithall to do so yet. We shall see, my friends. We shall see.

I want to be the kind of person who wakes up, turns on his water to warm it up, showers, takes the water from before and pours it into the French press (which I just bought and it is SO BADASS), puts on his clothes, presses down the French press, eats his morning bagel and orange with that delightful coffee, and heads off to face the day. Throw a workout in there and I'm every movie montage of a young homo you've never seen.

And I want that shit. Feel free to read through that proposed morning routine again accompanied by either "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend" by the Teenagers or "The Fame" by Lady Gaga to appreciate how truly beautiful and sad it is when I think about my life and the soundtrack it could have. I'm leaning towards "The Fame," personally.

Go on, I dare you.

I Know I know

2009-12-10T22:27:00.003-06:00

I know it's been forever, but it's the end of the semester and I've been busy with performances, exams, and then on top of that shit I got sick. I spent last night literally rolling back and forth and shivering so hard that my bed was moving. Then after finally falling asleep around 4:10 (I know because I looked at my clock at that time and then rolled over and mercifully peaced out), I woke up at 1:10PM and laid in bed for a few hours.

I haven't left my apartment in ... more than 24 hours but I'm okay with that based on how absolutely wretched I felt all day today. I feel vaguely better but I'm still nervous to leave.

Anyway, I'm kind of glad I waited to come back because now I have VERY exciting news to share with the internet world!

Cynthia called me tonight (approximately 18 minutes ago) to inform me that I've been nominated to represent the voice division in the Armstrong Award Competition! Basically it works like this: each performance faculty within the school of music chooses three "outstanding undergraduate performers" to represent their instrument (voice, viola, cello, trumpet, piano, etc.) and then there is a live competition round in the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts. I'll prepare an aria or two and sing my little heart out. Eventually, one winner is selected, as well as a first and second runner up.

The winner is given the opportunity to perform with the Symphony Orchestra onstage in Foellinger Great Hall, and also receives a monetary reward and is recognized at the School of Music awards ceremony in April.

I can't wait to compete!

So...

2009-12-04T00:07:00.001-06:00

So I just got ding dong ditched. It was scary

Hmm, What to Share?

2009-12-01T01:32:00.003-06:00

As I wait tonight for a friend of mine to come to my apartment to get some of her 21st birthday presents (her parents dropped them off as part of a birthday gift scavenger hung when they were here two weeks ago), I realized that I said I would put something up here that had some substance.

Unfortunately, I really can't think of anything to write. There are a few boys on my radar, in my peripheral vision, "waiting in the wings," if you will, but I don't really know what to say. I'm majorly crushing on two of them, and could easily see crushing on a third. Not to mention the boys I'm not into who have decided to recently begin pursuing me a bit more in honest. Shit. Not really the time, guys.

It's so weird. It's like I turned 21 and became ... on the market or something. Who knows just what happened. Maybe it's the haircut. Maybe it's the hat? Maybe it's the fact that I work out in my apartment like a weirdo. The truth is, though, that it's probably none of those things. I think that the minute I stopped actively searching for a boy to possibly date I realized that there were some near me this whole time. And beyond that, I think I started concentrating on myself and that made others do the same.

Seriously.

I know that sounds rather narcissistic, but I'm pretty sure that when I stopped trying to do things for everyone else instead of concentrating on my singing, school stuff, keeping my affairs in order, getting a job ... people noticed that I had my shit together. Something clicked. I feel more in touch with myself, and I think others have somehow sensed that.

And now that I've been subtly (or not-so-subtly) flirting with people in the vain hope of getting what I want for the better part of a year (I'm pretty sure I started doing so around nine or ten months ago), things are really going well. Cute Employee at the grocery store is totally into me (ask Grazyna), there's the guys I vaguely mentioned before (Ace, Andrei, Terry, Ben ... others). You know.

Playing the field, as it were.

More to come when I'm not awkwardly waiting for potentially drunk and definitely fun friends to arrive.

Sam

PS That hat was $13 and some odd change on Black Friday. I can't wait for the weather to be a bit colder now so it's appropriate for me to wear that out. I LOVE IT.

Um ... I Guess So?

2009-11-30T15:13:00.002-06:00

Haha, sorry I haven't blogged for real recently, but I think tonight I will, after I get home from rehearsal. Yeah, that's right; remember that opera I was "too gay" to be in? I was cast in a role after all. That and other updates on my brilliantly exciting life forthcoming tonight.

Sam

Said Like Chandler of "FRIENDS"

2009-11-29T23:34:00.001-06:00

Could I BE more in demand?

A Beautiful Evening

2009-11-24T02:03:00.003-06:00

I just had the most stimulating conversation with two friends from high school whom I haven't seen since July. One of them, Patrick, is a blissfully open minded student at the University of Michigan who is working toward a double major in jazz studies and linguistics, and the other is Leslie, whom you may read ALL ABOUT right here because I love her.

We talked for at least an hour about religion and philosophy, globalized culture, our plans for the future, the notion of visiting Africa, why so many American students feel compelled to leave the country after college ... I love coming home and discovering things I didn't know about my friends until now. Seriously wonderful.

I feel like such a fucking adult.

All I Want to Do

2009-11-21T23:13:00.003-06:00

... is go out to a bar in downtown Champaign right now and NO ONE is at school or answering texts or having a plan. Granted I don't have a plan either so that's not really something I should be bitching over. But still. I want to go out. I also want to see Ace. That might not happen though. Hopefully it will but we shall see my friends, we shall see.

I really want to go to a bar though. Dang.

God Damn

2009-11-16T21:09:00.003-06:00

If I don't lose weight, or tone up (or BOTH) at the rate I'm currently going, I will be so pissed. I'm working out every night for the fist time since like ... freshman year of college, and eating no more than 2100 calories a day (handily keeping track of such things in a slightly alarming way on my iPod, of all places).

So, like I said, if this doesn't work out, I'm going to cut a bitch. Or something. We shall see. I figure I'll play it safe and hope to see results by my next audition, which is January 8th, 2010. I'll let you know. If I'm feeling it, I'll even post pics! Haha ... that would take some sort of minor miracle though.

Alright, I'm done having body image issues for the night. Time to have a smoothie for dessert and find a pirated version of "Gossip Girl." Makings of a beautiful evening.

SJD

PS I'm going out with Ace again tomorrow!

Found Music

2009-11-15T21:51:00.003-06:00

I just found the most beautiful Russian aria from a Tchaikovsky opera, "The Queen of Spades" while doing research for a speech I'm giving tomorrow on Russian opera in my RUSS-101 class. It's called "I Love You [Beyond Measure]" and is sung by the dashing prince in the production to his fiancee. This shit is absolutely stunning, and the final notes that are held so effortlessly in this rendition make me want to be an opera singer more than I already do. I can't wait to learn this music. Unfortunately it's going to have to sit back burner while I learn the 20 songs I'm presenting in a recital at the beginning of April, and the operatic role I'm singing the first weekend of May. You know, no big deal.

Also, because I know you care about this: I just tried to upload an MP3 of me singing to this damn website and it wouldn't let me. Anyone know how I might be able to do that? Anyone care to hear what a 21 year old baritone even sounds like? Okay, cool thanks. In the meantime, here's this fabulous recording of Hvorostovsky singing "Я вас люблю" ("I Love You [Measure]") from "The Queen of Spades."

Yeah Gurrrrl!

2009-11-15T16:36:00.002-06:00

Last time I'll be blogging backstage from this production. Thank you Jeebus!

Upside to Being in this Opera Chorus

2009-11-13T19:48:00.004-06:00

I've found the upside to being in this opera chorus. My costume is vaguely reminiscent of something we find in fan favorite "Mad Men." I'm currently repping in a rust colored tweed vest, cream shirt, and brown pants sitting at my natural waist, featuring suspenders and some BAMFin brown wingtips. I want to steal this costume. Mostly the shoes. They click when I walk and I feel like I'm important. Not necessarily a fan of this pic but I wanted to share.

SJD

2009-11-12T21:51:00.004-06:00

So I can tell how into Ace I am by the way I wait for his texts with semi-baited breath and when he doesn't get back to me I immediately assume he hates me and is just going to ignore me until the point sets in. I'm currently in one of those freak outs and I'm trying to rationalize myself by typing out how ... well, preposterous it is. You know? So here's to me trying to be not crazy.

Next on that list is staying away from Hollister.

Tomorrow

2009-11-09T21:47:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow I'm going on a date. It's kind of a first date and kind of a second date. But it's definitely a date. Regardless, a little back story: A friend told me he wanted to set me up with a friend of his about ... a week ago. Actually last Sunday. Anyway. So he gave me this guy's number and email address and was like "get in contact with him!" so I did. We emailed a bit and then texted like fiends all week.

Cut to Saturday night, when we're going to hang out. I have accidentally made plans with another friend for her 22nd birthday party, a kind of impromptu barcrawl in downtown Champaign. No worries, says the boy, he's going out too, also in DTC! So we're resigned to meet up.

My phone dies.

After texts from two of my friends phones, we eventually managed to meet up, take a shot together (he bought me a shot!), and dance for the last 45 minutes of the bar night before classily heading to our respective homes. He made me promise to text when I could though and I didn't let him down. Tomorrow we're going out for a long lunch between my morning and afternoon classes. I think we're meeting somewhere off campus and I can't wait to feel like a real adult haha!

WOO HOO DATE DATE DATE DATE DAAAATE.

I feel like a 14 year old.

SJD

Two Quick Things

2009-11-07T12:20:00.003-06:00

1. My recital was all I could have ever hoped for, and possibly a little more. I haven't been that proud of myself in a VERY long time.

2. JUSTIN. You are NOT. NOT. Not. nOT. NoT. nOt. NOt. Allowed to become a cat lady. Those freaky things are like a gateway drug. BIG. NO.

Last Minute Business

2009-11-04T20:56:00.005-06:00

In just twelve hours time, I'll be running up the steps pictured above into Smith Memorial Hall to do a quick run through of my junior recital. I'll have been up since 5:30 or 6:00AM, singing, warming up, running, ironing, putting on clothes, showering (not in that order, CLEARLY).

But now I'm in a beautiful stage of anticipation. Past nerves for the time being, and just really being happy that it's finally here. I'm about to iron my pants and shirt, lay out my jacket, and shine my shoes. After that I'll drink some tea and hit the sack SUPER early because I have to wake up in such a cruelly short time. And then, before anyone knows it, my recital will be all over, it will be 11AM, and many people's lives will continue on as they were. I'll go out to lunch with my parents after talking to Cynthia and my friends and the other members of the voice faculty who will attend. We'll nosh on some home made kolache (Slavic/Polish delight), coffee cake, and apple cider (how seasonably appropriate!) and then I'll come home, a huge weight off my shoulders, and continue on with my junior year.

I. CAN'T. WAIT. FOR. TOMORROW!

Life Purchases

2009-11-02T18:11:00.004-06:00

Last Thursday I bought myself an iPod Touch for my birthday. It was cheap as I was buying it from a friend whose parents purchased her an iPhone for her own birthday. Nice how things work out, eh? Well now, after a lot of consideration, I'm seriously close to buying myself a new cell phone.

BUT REJOICE! It's not because my current phone is broken, lost, or otherwise in jeopardy. It's because my current phone apparently has problems that can't be fixed without a new unit anyway. Essentially, my phone is a lemon. It looks great and works for the most part, except for the times when it freezes (okay, it's a little PC on Windows so that makes sense?) or when it sends blank texts (what?) or garbled SMS messages (again, WTF?)

So I'm back trolling Craigslist and Ebay for cell phones. What the hell, right? Well, I suppose it's for the best. I'll be happy and all of my friends and crushes will receive my texts messages and other fun shit I want to send them. Now I just need another pair of jeans and I'll be set till the end of my junior year!

Dolla Dolla Billz

2009-10-31T15:09:00.003-05:00

Today, after all of that fucking DRAMA with the bank, my student loan refund was posted and I became $1,000 dollars richer. I feel like I could buy the world! Mostly though, I feel like I can afford Christmas gifts for friends and family, groceries, my bills, and hopefully a pair of jeans and maybe a nice cologne for myself. WOOP WOOP!

Post-rehearsal blues

2009-10-27T22:36:00.003-05:00

Tonight I had the first run through of my junior recital with my accompanist. Most of the songs went well. With a bit of coaching from her we definitely are solid on both Italian pieces, both German selections, one of the French and two of the three English songs. That leaves two songs (one in French and one in English) that still need work. Once the second French piece is 100% memorized I know I'll feel better about it but I don't have time to waste on that, as my recital is NEXT THURSDAY. At least with the English song it's a matter of the piano part being fucking nuts that's "holding us back" as opposed to my lack of memorization. I. WILL. BE. READY.

Tomorrow Hsin Yi and I are meeting again to run through some music. The only problem is that I'm worried I'll be vocally torn apart. Tomorrow I have a voice lesson from 12N-1P and choir (blecch) from 4P-6P before Hsin Yi and I meet for 45 minuets at 6P and I have choir after that from 7P-8:30P. Shit son! And then another voice lesson at noon on Thursday. After that it's all practice all the time for my recital because ... I'll be real with you ... I'm nervous as balls. Like seriously, I'm probably more nervous about this than I should be, but isn't that always the case? I would literally have to not show up to my own recital to not be passed, based on the opinion the faculty seems to (THANKFULLY) be holding of my voice these days, but still! I'm nervous!

And then the DAY after my recital I have another audition! Egads! Excuse me while I go run the text of that French piece a few times before bed.

SJD

What is the What 1

2009-10-27T12:07:00.003-05:00

What I'm drinking:

What I'm clutching:

What I'm eating:

What I'm reading:

What I'm listening to:

What I wish I were doing: